How do you talk about a variety of cannabis?

When it comes to cannabis, most smokers consider themselves experts on the subject. But believing that smoking a lot of cannabis makes you an expert on weed is like saying that drinking a bottle of wine every day will make you a wine expert. Unfortunately (or fortunately—it depends on your point of view), that’s not the case.

Cannabis reviewers undoubtedly have the best job in the industry. They get to smoke for free and are paid to write their reviews. Still, it’s easy to imagine that being able to tell the difference between two similar strains requires a certain level of expertise—just like knowing how to talk about them. Here are a few tips to impress your friends the next time you go to Amsterdam.

Appearance: trichomes, pistils, and foliage

This is usually the first thing people talk about when discussing a strain. To a beginner, all buds look the same: green, shiny, and slightly hairy. But instead of saying, «It’s big and green,» pay attention to the more subtle details. If you don’t know the scientific names for «hairs» and «crystals,» we recommend looking up what a trichome. The key to describing a cannabis strain is to look at the specific traits that make the strain unique and distinguishable from others.

Do the flower heads dance on the leaves like ballerinas? Do the leaves fall from the stem like the braids of Snoop Dogg ? Use your imagination and make people want to try it, just like a good cheese.

Smell: How to Make the Most of Your Sense of Smell

Once you’ve got your visual cues down, let’s move on to the smell. At first sniff, all weed smells like pine or skunk (or even cat urine). But no one wants to remember weed that smells like skunk. To practice, try this exercise. Ask the budtender Take a specific type of coffee and bury your nose in it, closing your eyes. Take a deep breath and make a mental note of the scents you recognize. You can stick to the basic categories like «piney, fruity, woody, floral, metallic, and petrol-like» while focusing your imagination on what you’re smelling.

Write down all the words that come to mind to describe what you just smelled, and turn them into a sentence. Example: «Like the scent of a fresh grapefruit, the sweet citrus aroma fills the air as if we were walking through the Orangery at Versailles on a cool summer morning.» We’re exaggerating a bit here, but if you describe a variety using these words, we guarantee it will wow your audience.

Learning to describe the different smells of weed is very important for distinguishing one strain from another. Some strains are so similar (for example, Afghan Diesel and Sour Diesel) that it’s nearly impossible to tell them apart just by looking at them. The smell can then help you identify the subtle aromas that distinguish a Skywalker OG from a Grapefruit Crush.

Top weed critics have a keen sense of smell and two functioning eyes, which allow them to determine whether the strain they’re evaluating is worth taking to the next step: tasting.

The Effects: The Final Piece of the Puzzle

They say you can’t always judge a book by its cover. The same goes for weed: it might look nice and smell good, but have no effect at all. Describe how you feel from head to toe when you take your first breath. Does it feel like a sumo wrestler is sitting on your chest, or like a train traveling at full speed is crashing right between your eyes?

Tips

Use comparisons—it'll make you seem more impressive. Take notes before you start feeling the effects of your tests too strongly. Some strains make you very focused, while others make you very (too) relaxed.